A Hulk Sized Problem
by lycanthrophy-kitsune
Summary: She loved Bruce, truly she did. Some days she loved him more than others. This wasn't one of those days.


I do not own the Avengers or Thor

* * *

Darcy was this close to ripping her husband's head off.

She loved Bruce, truly she did. Some days she loved him more than others. This wasn't one of those days.

Groaning she tried to breathe through her contraction like that stupid, perky Lamaze teacher had instructed; but doing the breathing while she sat bored against Bruce and breathing when contractions were actually happening? If she wasn't in so much pain she would have gone off to slap the smile off that bimbo. Easy breathing her ass.

And of course she would have to go into labor when everyone was off saving the world from another nut job that thought they could succeed when God knows how many others had failed. He had obviously failed math. Fate also clearly had it out for her. This was payback for all the times she tempted it. Darcy could tell. She bet that bitch was smiling from wherever she was in glee. She was never mocking karma again!

JARVIS was currently the only other one with her in the levels that made up Tony Stark's private residence in what was now dubbed the Avenger's Tower. Darcy would have laughed over the fact that the AI sounded panicked (since he was a computer an all … an awesome one but still) if she wasn't about to panic as well.

_Mrs. Banner, I have attempted to contact Sir concerning the situation. However his communication wiring seems to have been adversely affected. It may be possible they were damaged in the ensuing battle. I will continue to try other means of notifying him._

Before she was able to catch her breath to make a sarcastic quip at the AI another contraction came bearing down right after the other ended. The groan that followed may or may not have ended in heavy cursing.

JARVIS, in response, started channeling his It's Time To Start Really Freaking Out Now programming. _Mrs. Banner I would highly suggest relocating yourself back to bed. If you do indeed give birth before the Avengers return it would be best to do so where the least harm will come to the infant._

Darcy knew that JARVIS was correct, but getting herself from point A (which she had ended up getting to due to her pacing a trail into the rug) and point B, which was all the way across the apartment, was easier said than done.

"Bruce Banner when you get back I am RIPPING off the appendage that left me in this condition!"

Taking a deep breath (screw even breathing) she pushed herself from the wall she had been leaning against and waddled as fast as her stomach and contractions would allow. She managed to cover half the distance before she was forced to stop and pant.

JARVIS continued his worried commentary, _Mrs. Banner the time that has passed since your last contraction and this one is less than forty five seconds. My database indicates that the birth of an infant is within the maximum time limit of a hour. _Darcy imagined if the AI had a body he would be biting his nails. _Please relocate yourself to the bedroom. _

"I'm TRYING JARVIS!" Darcy screamed up at the ceiling. "How is it," pant, "that NOONE," groan, "is in this godforsaken building?" Another scream.

JARVIS didn't designate to respond.

Knowing that she only had a few seconds before the next one (even though it felt like one big effin pain) Darcy managed to get to her bedroom and fall into bed.

Swallowing a sob before it could escape she tried to push down the fear she could feel building in her chest. She really needed Bruce. If there was any other time she needed him more than right this moment she couldn't think of it. Not only that, but he should be here for the birth. It had been amazing to watch him over the course of her pregnancy. Like she was everything he could have ever asked for and how he slowly realized that he finally had a family. One that wouldn't run away screaming in the other direction if he happened to turn green from time to time

Well, Bruce would be lucky if she ever let him touch her again at the rate he was going. Sounding like a dog she panted like she couldn't get in enough air. Sweat had clung her shirt to her body and her pants were starting to get uncomfortable with her water breaking on them and everything.

She probably looked fantastic right now.

Lying on her back she shimmied herself out of her pants, underwear, shirt and bra until she was as naked as the day she was born. The thought garnered a weak chuckle out of her. Born. How ironic. JARVIS continued humming in the background to let her know he was still there while updating her every couple of minutes on the status of his communication issues. Darcy barely heard him.

Closing her eyes she focused on just making it through this with both lives in tact. When she had palpated herself, nothing felt out of the ordinary (Bruce made her read a ton of baby books) so she knew that the baby was positioned correctly. The stuff that she didn't know wasn't something she wanted to think on too closely.

It could have been days or minutes before she felt someone grab her hand. For a brief, wild moment she thought that JARVIS had somehow magically obtained a body and was holding her hand. That thought was immediately dashed because a. that was stupid and b. she could hear Bruce calling her name.

Realizing that there was a person actually leaning over her and that that person was her husband, her eyes shot open and squeezed the hand holding hers until she was satisfied she had at least fractured something. That and she was also ridding the biggest motherf* contraction to date.

Determined to keep his hand in her grip she reached up and tried to punch him with the other. When that failed she settled for screaming at him.

"Where the HELL have you been Bruce! There better be a doctor here because this baby is coming out right now!" She had to pause in order to grit her teeth and groan, but once she got her breath back she started right up. Bruce looking as close to completely freaking out that she ever saw was starting to look a little green. And not the sick kind.

"If you Hulk out on me now Banner you better become good friends with your hand because you will never have sex with me AGAIN!"

There was a pause as she let the words sink in before someone said, "I need you to push, now!"

At this point Darcy didn't even care if the voice was JARVIS. She just wanted it to be over.

The next couple of minutes consisted of a lot of screaming, a few death threats and was sprinkled liberally with cursing before the air was filled with the sounds of a screaming newborn.

As the soft weight of the baby was placed on her chest she turned tiredly to her husband and muttered, "You're still in trouble."

She could feel herself drifting off, but before she completely passed out she heard,

"Congratulations Dr. Banner. It's a boy."


End file.
